I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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