Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
3 2 1 whiskey
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
