i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
