You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
