apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
