I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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