She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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