Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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