This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
