So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
