he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
