thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
