I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
