i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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