in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
