Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
