I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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