you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
