We named our party play list daddy issues
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All I want is dick and wine.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
