Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
