i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
