tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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