My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
thus making me awesome and them whores
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
