I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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