New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
