Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
