oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
