Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
