Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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