So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
