I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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