i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
