I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
