My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
