Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
