I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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