I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
