my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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