Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
