I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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