I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
