I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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