why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
