Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Swine flu is the new snow day.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Randomize
