I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
