the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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