I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
