Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
