i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
