I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
our cab driver is having phone sex.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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