Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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