My Higher Power is John Stamos
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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